He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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