I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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