I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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