I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I enjoy the company of your penis
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
