You can't motorboat a personality
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
