Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
