I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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