hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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