I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize