I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
