we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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