every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Randomize
