When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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