Swine flu is the new snow day.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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