I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
