wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize