Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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