you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
