I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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