i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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