Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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