Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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