People in love make me want to vomit
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
