you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
