We're facebook friends in real life
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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