It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
