If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
