She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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