So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
