i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
