Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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