it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
