Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
