so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
