my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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