I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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