I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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