Soap is not a condiment
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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