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I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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