I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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