the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
