I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
