Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
