I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
