i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
When did angry sex become our thing?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
