Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
