im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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