i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
