if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Randomize