So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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