we're chasing vodka with high fives
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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