he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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