I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
