i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize