My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
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