remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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