my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
