I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
