Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
