booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
