I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
