There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
