omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
