My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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