margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
