I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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