My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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