so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I miss vodka workout Fridays
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
