I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize