In the future we'll all be gay
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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