I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
